The wizard of Oz is butterfly boy.
That's what he called himself.
The moment I entered his room, I knew.
They were everywhere, dem buttahflies.
So it is confirmed.
I am really going to do this.
I swear, they were everywhere and I am paying attention.
grateful slice: clear, accessible signs.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Open Sesame (et al)
Closed a window while back but it's only recently that I have ceased turning into salt each time I turned around and tried to pry it open. Just to see and fixate on everything I did wrong or could have done better for "it-that-shall-not-be-named" to "work" or be "different." (insert cheezy air quote hand gesture here).
Finally, I have grown tired of doing that and have sealed the window shut with figurative Mighty Bond and well, some nails.
The past is a thing of the past. Duh.
Since doing that, many doors have opened in its place. I know, i know. Metaphors be with you and this one particularly is one big cliche'. But I don't care.
Today, am off to see the Wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz; have a conversation with one of the many doors that have opened since I became the YES woman. This could potentially change the course of the rest of my life.
Wish me luck.
It is not the be all or end all. I am saying YES all the way and will move further if the Universe and G permits it. But I do know, in my gut and with all faith, that this is just the beginning of many more doors opening for me to choose from. :)
grateful slice: freedom, abundant opportunities and grabbing them.
P.S.
And because I am somewhat ADHD, here are two wonderful (but won't ever really capture it) picture of our first site of land during our Alaskan Cruise.
Our Tracy Arm view. It was truly breathtaking and unforgettable. A feast for the heart and not just the eyes. Confirmation that G is on our side. Wow.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Cruise Guide: Some things to do on board while at sea
Look for your favorite spot
Laugh a lot, like so.
Read on deck
Like so ...
Commit to travel tradition: Happy Feet
choose to be color coordinated
during the cheesy geriatric shows
Cam whore (read: this is my OFW photo op. Mabuhay! aylavet!)
Come out of your room (straight from bed, like so) and go bananas over the view.
Next: Ketchikan
grateful slice: being silly
Laugh a lot, like so.
Read on deck
Like so ...
Commit to travel tradition: Happy Feet
choose to be color coordinated
during the cheesy geriatric shows
Cam whore (read: this is my OFW photo op. Mabuhay! aylavet!)
Come out of your room (straight from bed, like so) and go bananas over the view.
Next: Ketchikan
grateful slice: being silly
Friday, June 5, 2009
All aboard! (postmortem)
Finally, M and I on board the Sea Princess en route to Alaska. First day. Not sure what to expect but very happy to be together.
the Golden Gate bridge: Bittersweet
Posing for the camera
Pier 35
Happy Feet
Decisive moment
Alcatraz
Deck 7 where M and I briskwalked and where I spent our last few days reading.
Sailing away from San Francisco
grateful slice: beginnings
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Thank G for Alaska and Jonathan, the Tour Guide
The dreams are back.
And they are bad.
They never really left actually.
But they have become worse and more frequent.
I don't like them.
I wake up angry and snappish.
But
today, whatever crappy feeling I felt was wiped away by Jonathan, the black bear crossing the road, the train ride that I wish never ended and being right where I wanted to be.
grateful slice: recovery
And they are bad.
They never really left actually.
But they have become worse and more frequent.
I don't like them.
I wake up angry and snappish.
But
today, whatever crappy feeling I felt was wiped away by Jonathan, the black bear crossing the road, the train ride that I wish never ended and being right where I wanted to be.
grateful slice: recovery
Friday, May 29, 2009
Aha-Alaskan Moment
I totally get it now, why so many people take this cruise.
It's not the overflowing food (which, I am convinced gave me a migraine yesterday - but that's for another entry).
It's not the cheesy evening shows or the swarovski crystals they sell on board.
It's not the service (Go Pinoy!)
It's not even bonding with loved ones.
It was the mind numbing, awe inspiring, humbling view this morning.
M and I rushed out of our beds (pre-yoga) to see land once again.
The snowcapped mountains and the chunks of ice floating on the water, the light peaking through the clouds and the "50 first dates" moment we experienced as we were amidst land and glacier ice.
omg.
I get it now.
grateful slice: the glaciers.
It's not the overflowing food (which, I am convinced gave me a migraine yesterday - but that's for another entry).
It's not the cheesy evening shows or the swarovski crystals they sell on board.
It's not the service (Go Pinoy!)
It's not even bonding with loved ones.
It was the mind numbing, awe inspiring, humbling view this morning.
M and I rushed out of our beds (pre-yoga) to see land once again.
The snowcapped mountains and the chunks of ice floating on the water, the light peaking through the clouds and the "50 first dates" moment we experienced as we were amidst land and glacier ice.
omg.
I get it now.
grateful slice: the glaciers.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Mother moment
I realized why.
While Tea Leoni (in "GhostTown") was asking Ricky Gervais why she was not good enough (to Greg Kinnear). If he loved her at all.
I finally realized, at that point, why every sound and word and comment and facial gesture annoyed me. To such an incomprehensible level.
It was because I was secretly blaming her ... for everything. (past and recent and annoying and co-dependent and clingy and needy and damsel-like and insecure, the total absence of boundaries and all forms of abandonment - perceived or real)
Once I understood, I felt better.
Like the freaking thorn on my side was finally removed from where it was lodged.
It's an old wound, so it didn't bleed out.
I just totally understood.
The why.
Now I can do something about it.
And be kinder.
Because I totally, effing get it.
grateful slice: ephiphanies about my mother
While Tea Leoni (in "GhostTown") was asking Ricky Gervais why she was not good enough (to Greg Kinnear). If he loved her at all.
I finally realized, at that point, why every sound and word and comment and facial gesture annoyed me. To such an incomprehensible level.
It was because I was secretly blaming her ... for everything. (past and recent and annoying and co-dependent and clingy and needy and damsel-like and insecure, the total absence of boundaries and all forms of abandonment - perceived or real)
Once I understood, I felt better.
Like the freaking thorn on my side was finally removed from where it was lodged.
It's an old wound, so it didn't bleed out.
I just totally understood.
The why.
Now I can do something about it.
And be kinder.
Because I totally, effing get it.
grateful slice: ephiphanies about my mother
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
The L Boat
OMG.
We are literally on the Love Boat.
Which can also stand for the Lola/Lolo boat.
Still feel a little off-balance but M and I were able to do YOGA despite the swaying.
Extra resistance.
The ocean is beautiful.
And the ship is enormous.
Today we get to just hang on deck (read: bundled up so we don't get hypothermia or frostbite) -- read, write, watch people. My favorite part of any vacation, on sea or land.
The food has yet to impress me. I mean, there is so much of it but I haven't really tasted anything mind blowing.
M and I fought hard not to fall asleep last night during their first cheesy show but snuck out while the Program Director reiterated (for the nth time) the many geriatric things to do on board.
Tonight, we will attempt to catch "Grand Torino."
Teehee.
(Enter: Love Boat theme song, right about now).
grateful slice: experiences at sea
We are literally on the Love Boat.
Which can also stand for the Lola/Lolo boat.
Still feel a little off-balance but M and I were able to do YOGA despite the swaying.
Extra resistance.
The ocean is beautiful.
And the ship is enormous.
Today we get to just hang on deck (read: bundled up so we don't get hypothermia or frostbite) -- read, write, watch people. My favorite part of any vacation, on sea or land.
The food has yet to impress me. I mean, there is so much of it but I haven't really tasted anything mind blowing.
M and I fought hard not to fall asleep last night during their first cheesy show but snuck out while the Program Director reiterated (for the nth time) the many geriatric things to do on board.
Tonight, we will attempt to catch "Grand Torino."
Teehee.
(Enter: Love Boat theme song, right about now).
grateful slice: experiences at sea
Friday, May 22, 2009
Thursday, May 21, 2009
American Shmidol
I can't believe Adam did not win.
I am sure there is some kind of pop culture, dark horse-slash-underdog mentality leading to the American voting psyche to explain the results...
But I am stomping my feet and throwing a tantrum right now.
Ugh.
I also think Kara should have just stripped down to her bikins with more conviction. It would have really stumped Uber Tanned-Bikini Girl with New Knockers.
I mean, pinatulan niya na rin naman. Sana kinareer na niya to da max. Choz. Magands naman ang kanyang kats.
And speaking of, eto naman si Queen Latifah. Um, ewan ko lang ha but ang unitard....mej exag.
Sigh.
Go Adam! Ikaw ang tunay na gold medalist.
Bow.
Disappointed! (read: like how Kevin Kline said it in "A Fish Called Wanda."
grateful slice: exciting finales
I am sure there is some kind of pop culture, dark horse-slash-underdog mentality leading to the American voting psyche to explain the results...
But I am stomping my feet and throwing a tantrum right now.
Ugh.
I also think Kara should have just stripped down to her bikins with more conviction. It would have really stumped Uber Tanned-Bikini Girl with New Knockers.
I mean, pinatulan niya na rin naman. Sana kinareer na niya to da max. Choz. Magands naman ang kanyang kats.
And speaking of, eto naman si Queen Latifah. Um, ewan ko lang ha but ang unitard....mej exag.
Sigh.
Go Adam! Ikaw ang tunay na gold medalist.
Bow.
Disappointed! (read: like how Kevin Kline said it in "A Fish Called Wanda."
grateful slice: exciting finales
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Trigger me this, trigger me that
M wondered why but affirmed that I hardly, if at all, mentioned him. She was glad. And I was pleased that this was the case. I didn't even notice who or what I was not mentioning.
After she said that though, different triggers crawled out from the woodwork.
I was hyperaware and I wondered if Pandora's box had been opened. The lid need not be ripped from the hinges. If it was indeed Pandora's box, a crack would have sufficed for the whip, the menace and the pain to spread all around me.
From the guy reading Sherlock Holmes on the train, to all the tattoo shops in the city, to the Ethipioan food we ate, the thought of Kalye West (and showing the clip to my sister years from now), it was hard to allow myself to remember anything at all triggered by these seemingly meaningless things. But I just breathed and kept quiet. Just because he entered my psyche did not mean I needed to talk about it.
The thing is, M is right. I don't wish he were here. I don't need to "be" with him to validate everything amazing that I am experiencing. I don't need to share it with him for it to count. I no longer identify who I am based on that love relationship.
And really, it was great that she affirmed all that. It meant a lot. That is what is left in my psyche. That awareness. Passing that test.
I am relieved to see that there is nothing left in Pandora's box which means, it ceases to be Pandora's box. Trigger me this, trigger me that, it's just an empty chest. This is a result, I suppose, of actually swimming in all the grime early on, head on.
Perhaps, the worst is over.
grateful slice: the worst being over.
After she said that though, different triggers crawled out from the woodwork.
I was hyperaware and I wondered if Pandora's box had been opened. The lid need not be ripped from the hinges. If it was indeed Pandora's box, a crack would have sufficed for the whip, the menace and the pain to spread all around me.
From the guy reading Sherlock Holmes on the train, to all the tattoo shops in the city, to the Ethipioan food we ate, the thought of Kalye West (and showing the clip to my sister years from now), it was hard to allow myself to remember anything at all triggered by these seemingly meaningless things. But I just breathed and kept quiet. Just because he entered my psyche did not mean I needed to talk about it.
The thing is, M is right. I don't wish he were here. I don't need to "be" with him to validate everything amazing that I am experiencing. I don't need to share it with him for it to count. I no longer identify who I am based on that love relationship.
And really, it was great that she affirmed all that. It meant a lot. That is what is left in my psyche. That awareness. Passing that test.
I am relieved to see that there is nothing left in Pandora's box which means, it ceases to be Pandora's box. Trigger me this, trigger me that, it's just an empty chest. This is a result, I suppose, of actually swimming in all the grime early on, head on.
Perhaps, the worst is over.
grateful slice: the worst being over.
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