...

harassed from outer space.
just need to survive this week, then off to baguio to breathe.


grateful slice: this too shall pass concept

please ...

Lord, basta walang migraine today, good day na yon.
Please...

grateful slice: migraine less days.

disappearing migraines

I had a migraine from hell yesterday that put me out of commission starting 5:00 pm, only to leave when I woke up at 6 this morning. It was horrible. I think though, that my body was just being very clear about some things. These being:

1. That I need rest.
2. That C and I need to really train for these marathons if we intend to join any more.
3. That if we do not train, we will probably get injured or something.
4. That I had an emotionally tough weekend.
5. That I had taken 5 steps too many in my recovery and took maybe a couple of steps back
6. That this is what it is like in relationship rehab -- the withdrawal symptoms are the most wicked and mind numbing
7. That I may have had sun stroke
8. That I was dehydrated and overall was just doing and thinking and handling too much.

So I slept.
for 12 hours (almost straight).
I woke up feeling better physically but the burdens of my heart and my mind were still so present.
So I prayed.

I trudged through the rest of the day fighting back my tears -- so by the time I was ready to meet S for our one-month-to-live thing, my migraine from hell was back.

It is amazing though what a friend, prayer and confession can do.
I let out my dark and destructive thoughts - the flagellation and the flogging- and S helped me forgive myself. At least decide to. She help me spot the vicious cycle of judge and victim and just told me to stop.

So I did.
And my migraine disappeared.

Tomorrow will be a better day.
I have a ton of work but am looking forward to DAET and boracay and the states.
But not to escape.
These are going to be vacations about connecting.
And recovering.
Forgiving.
And getting closer to the source.

I forgive HH today.
I really do.
I forgive him.
I also forgive myself.
It's nobody's fault.
It's just the way it was meant to play out.
I forgive both of us.

Even if I am still in detox, I am letting the healing begin.


grateful slice: clarity and forgiveness

Plays and marathons and missing: I am literally the YES! man

Ran again today. 5k this time.
It felt great.

Saw a great play last night too, "Spelling Bee."
It was hysterical and heartwarming and clever.
I was with two of my coolest girlfriends
and it was the perfect way to end a perfect day.

C slept over and we thought we would sleep early because of our run today.
Um, lie.
We ate and drank in Guilo's , looked at cheesy blogs and charged my shuffle before getting adequate shut eye.

By the time C's alarm rang, I had just reached REM. Ugh.
Post run though, all the kicking and screaming was long gone.
I was so glad to be running so early in the morning.
It was bliss.

No pain in the shins this time too.

I missed HH though.
Tremendously.
I am thinking this is just part of being in the middle of a divorce.
I also think it is because these are things that I would have loved to share with him.
Because he would have been proud.
And because he we would have also laughed aloud at the unfortunate "erection," Ms. Parks 6 languages song and dance, and he would have ran like the wind in the sun.
It could also be because I took a lot of steps to make our separation so concrete yesterday.
And I am reeling from the reality of it all.
It was difficult to go to MOA but I just braved it.
Change the associations.
Build new memories.
I refuse to be held back by anymore baggage.
So I just sucked it up and ran!

I am aware.
I guess that is what matters.
Because it is what will pull me through this successfully.

In the meantime, I run for my broken heart.
I yoga to stay connected to the breath.
I read to transform my core beliefs.
I embrace my solitude to remember and recognize who I am.
And I reach out to celebrate all that I am discovering about me.



grateful slice: discovery and saying YES!

I am right

Today has been a good day.
Peaceful
Meaningful
Surrounded by great friends

If I had one month to live, I would spend most of my days this way.

What a great day.
And it's not yet over.

Spelling Bee!

grateful slice: claiming great days

hope

Today is going to be a good day.
I am claiming it.

grateful slice: decisions

reality bites

I asked for truth.
I am getting truth.

So I removed our picture.
Something I have been wanting to do, but couldn't.

When Jower told me (something I knew that was bound to happen at some point) I was instantly crushed. Not because I was in denial but because it just hit home how true this divorce is.

It's confeermed.
I knew that.
But it is still hard to hear.

After the initial devastation however, I felt free.
Bring the dark into the light and it turns into the light.
And that's what happened.
I felt liberated somehow.

I know there is more to come. And my spirit says, bring it on!
But I am bracing myself for the pain.
Not to escape but to face.
Because I know it is part of the process, part of the healing.
All part of the dreaded letting go.

Is the love gone?
Of course not.
He is one of my favorite people.
That's why it breaks my heart to see that he is in such dire straits.

But this is not about him.
This is about me.
And the kind of life and partner I want.

So, first step - remove picture. check.
what's next?


grateful slice: liberation (even if it comes from bad news)

normal

I actually felt normal today.
I didn't over think anything, I didn't feel bad, I didn't feel despair or any kind of any extreme anything.
not even happiness.

and for a moment, it was a relief.
to feel
normal.

nothing bothering me
or making my over worked and tired heart race.

I didn't miss anyone.
My heart didn't pine for love lost.

It felt great.
To just be.

It makes me feel I am getting somewhere.
Not the eye of the storm.
But perhaps, the shore.


grateful slice: peace of mind

Roller Coaster

So, the day started with a lot of pain.
And i tried to push my beachball feelings into the water all day.
It looked so familiar.
The old script.
I let the loneliness, the abandonment, the idea that someone had given up again and harry houdini-ed yet again get the better of me.

By the time I sat down with S to do our one-month-to-live thing...I had reached the end of myself.
I wept. yet again.
And she let me.

It occurred to me that I just have to fall into the ravine.
There's no turning back.
And I am spent.

The higher powers and all its promises are in charge now.
Today, I think I took the next step of embracing the idea that I can't do this alone.

Old script says I can control it. I began to believe it and got more tired.
Instead the beach ball surfaced and bobbed in the water.
Ugh. another lie.
the truth is a persistent MF.
I'm glad.

By the time I saw KC, I was okay. As in really okay.
I knew I had broken through.

I did YOGA after everything and before I knew it, I reached the end of my roller coaster ride.
Alive.
And feeling so much better.



Lord, pwede bang ferris wheel na lang muna bukas.
O octopus.

grateful slice: surviving and reaching breakthroughs.

OMG

I snapped out of my blue funk.
It wasn't just like that, of course but still........
I worked it through with S and then saw K. (as in angel K and of course, I cried)
Then all the different messages I have been receiving from the universe.
Breakthroughs.

So, I snapped out of it.
My blue funk.

and am okay again.
really superpower okay. (not just willpower)


grateful slice: snapping out of it.

Lazarus and being enough

For the longest time I thought he was enough.
So I felt I didn't need to do many things, read many books, search and seek, pray, exercise, connect in an authentic way (and not via FB).
Because it was enough to be with him.

Until it wasn't.
And it's not his fault.

It should have been all around and within me. with or without him.
These things that are important.
Because it wouldn't have been just one source of "enoughness."
It wouldn't have been drained.
Or at least I wouldn't find a way to blame myself again.
If I knew that what I did for me was truly enough for me.

Maybe he would still be here.
Hhmm... I don't think so.
He certainly doesn't think so.
I think he was already drained when he returned from hell.
So maybe I am not to blame at all.
Even when I became nothing but a shell of a person.
In the attempt to love him better, I loved myself worst.


So, it is important that I promise myself today, that I can't stop doing many things, reading many books, doing yoga, exercising, spending with friends, praying, seeking, searching, listening, staying healthy and being.
Because that is enough.

With or without him.




grateful slice: awareness #2 and the promises I won't break.

Getting in touch with the Experiencer

Whapack.
That's what I feel today.

Whapacked across the face.

I have to manage what I have been thinking.
It is affecting how I feel.
Embrace embrace embrace.
But wallowing is not an option.

KFC and Pizza not helping either. Too much oil and carbs.

Not good for the newly yoga-ed body.

But hhhmmm...the experiencer is getting stronger by the day. Even if it feels the pain more and more. It's just a matter of time, I guess. For the experiencer to get the point and create again.

grateful slice: awareness

Advice from pareng Deepak: texts that save our lives

Been reading this book along with Eckart Tolle's "Power of Now." :) I saw the butterfly that day, remember? An hour later, I came across this book. And it has been precious.

Here is an excerpt on seeking. :) Enjoy!

You Are What You Seek

Attention spiritual shoppers: enlightenment is not something you acquire. How to avoid common pitfalls of the seeker.

BY: Deepak Chopra

From "The Book of Secrets" by Deepak Chopra. Copyrightc 2004 by Deepak Chopra. Excerpted by permission of Harmony Books, a division of Random House, Inc. All rights reserved.

Seeking is a word often applied to the spiritual path, and many people are proud to call themselves seekers. Often, they are the same people who once chased too hard after money, sex, alcohol, or work. With the same addictive intensity they now hope to find God, the soul, the higher self. The problem is that seeking begins with a false assumption. I don't mean the assumption that materialism is corrupt and spirituality is pure. Yes, materialism can become all-consuming, but that's not the really important point. Seeking is doomed because it is a chase that takes you outside yourself.

Whether the object is God or money makes no real difference. Productive seeking requires that you throw out all assumptions that there is a prize to be won. This means acting without hope of rising to some ideal self, hope being a wish that you'll get somewhere better than the place you started from. You are starting from yourself, and it's the self that contains all the answers. So you have to give up on the idea that you must go from A to B. There is no linear path when the goal isn't somewhere else. You must also discard fixed judgments about high and low, good and evil, holy and profane. The one reality includes everything in its tangle of experiences, and what we are trying to find is the experiencer who is present no matter what experience you are having.

Looking at the people who race around trying to be models of goodness, someone coined the apt phrase "spiritual materialism," the transfer of values that work in the material world over to the spiritual world.

Spiritual Materialism

Pitfalls of the Seeker:

Knowing where you're going.
Struggling to get there.
Using someone else's map.
Working to improve yourself.
Setting a timetable.
Waiting for a miracle.

There's no better way to be a genuine seeker than to avoid these pitfalls.

Don't know where you're going. Spiritual growth is spontaneous. The big events come along unexpectedly, and so do the small ones. A single word can open your heart; a single glance can tell you who you really are. Awakening doesn't happen according to the plan. It's much more like putting together a jigsaw puzzle without knowing the finished picture in advance. The Buddhists have a saying, "If you meet the Buddha on the path, kill him," which means if you're following a spiritual script written in advance, bury it. All you can imagine in advance are images, and images are never the same as the goal.

Don't struggle to get there. If there were a spiritual payoff at the end of the trail, like a pot of gold or the key to heaven, everyone would work as hard as possible for the reward. Any struggle would be worth it. But does it help a two-year-old to struggle to become three? No, because the process of child development unfolds from within. You don't get a paycheck; you turn into a new person. The same is true for spiritual unfolding. It happens just as naturally as childhood development, but on the plane of awareness rather than in the realm of physiology.

Don't follow someone else's map. There was a time when I was certain that deep meditation using one specific mantra for the rest of my life was the key to reaching enlightenment. I was following a map laid down thousands of years ago by venerable sages who belonged to India's greatest spiritual tradition. But caution is always required: If you follow someone else's map, you could be training yourself in a fixed way of thinking. Fixed ways, even those devoted to spirit, are not the same as being free. You should glean teachings from all directions, keeping true to those that bring progress yet remaining open to changes in yourself.

Don't make this a self-improvement project. Self-improvement is real. People get stuck in bad places that they can learn to get out of. Depression, loneliness, and insecurity are tangible experiences that can be improved. But if you seek to reach God or enlightenment because you want to stop being depressed or anxious, if you want greater self-esteem or less loneliness, your search may never end. This area of understanding isn't cut-and-dried. Some people feel tremendously self-improved as their awareness expands; but it takes a strong sense of self to confront the many obstacles and challenges that lie on the path. If you feel weak or fragile, you may feel weaker and more fragile when you confront the shadow energies within. Expanded awareness comes at a price-you have to give up your limitations-and for anyone who feels victimized, that limitation is often so stubborn that spiritual progress becomes very slow. To the extent that you feel any deep conflict inside yourself, a large hurdle stands before you on the path. The wise thing is to seek help at the level where the problem exists.

Don't set yourself a timetable. I've met countless people who gave up on spirituality because they didn't reach their goals fast enough. "I gave it ten years. What can I do? Life is only so long. I'm moving on." More likely they devoted just one year or a month to being on the path, and then the weekend warriors fell away, discouraged by lack of results. The best way to avoid disappointment is not to set a deadline in the first place, although many people find this difficult to do without losing motivation. But motivation was never going to get them there in the first place. Discipline is involved, no doubt, in remembering to meditate regularly, to keep up Yoga class, to read inspiring texts, and to keep your vision before you. Getting into the spiritual habit requires a sense of dedication. But unless the vision is unfolding every day, you will inevitably get distracted. Rather than a timetable, give yourself support for spiritual growth. This can be in the form of a personal teacher, a discussion group, a partner who shares the path with you, regular retreats, and keeping a daily journal. You will be much less likely to fall prey to disappointment.

Don't wait for a miracle. It really doesn't matter how you define miracle-whether it is the sudden appearance of perfect love, a cure for a life-threatening disease, anointment from a great spiritual leader, or permanent and everlasting bliss. A miracle is letting God do all the work; it separates the supernatural world from this world, with the expectation that one day the supernatural world will notice you. Since there is only one reality, your task is to break through boundaries of division and separation. Watching and waiting for a miracle keeps the boundaries up. You are ever at a remove from God, connected to him by wishful thinking.

If you can avoid these pitfalls of spiritual materialism, you will be much less tempted to chase after an impossible goal. The chase began because people came to believe that God, disapproving of what he sees in us, expects us to adopt a certain ideal. It seems impossible to imagine a God, however loving, who doesn't get disappointed, angry, vengeful, or disgusted with us when we fall short. The most spiritual figures in history were not totally good, however, but totally human. They accepted and forgave; they lacked judgment. I think the highest forgiveness is to accept that creation is thoroughly tangled, with every possible quality given some outlet for expression. People need to accept once and for all that there is only one life and each of us is free to shape it through the choices we make. Seeking can't get anyone out of the tangle because everything is tangled up. The only thing that will ever be pure and pristine is your own awareness, once you sort it out.

It's much easier to keep up the fight between good and evil, holy and profane, us and them. But as awareness grows, these opposites begin to calm down in their clashes, and something else emerges-a world you feel at home in. The ego did you a terrible disservice by throwing you into a world of opposites. Opposites always conflict-that's the only way they know-and who can feel at home in the middle of a fight? Awareness offers an alternative beyond the fray.

exhaustion

I am tired.

I am not sure how to be grateful for that.

But I am tired.

Hhmm.... maybe I can be grateful for being paranoid.
It pushes me to do better?
Especially when procrastination and really bad time management rear their evil heads.
Paranoia and fatigue = can really push the slacker off her ass.
This is what is happening.

Plans....more plans....and focus. Now that I can focus.


grateful slice: focus on work

wisdom, honoring the process and living in the now

There is wisdom behind listening. To our mentors and people we look up to. They know what they are talking about.

There is wisdom behind "It's not working out. I can't make you happy."

There is wisdom behind the pain and honoring the process. Every step is crucial. Every stage has to be authentic.
There is wisdom behind taking many paths toward where you already are.
Discovering in place that the treadmill is a cruel illusion (so might as well stand still for a bit) or that the destination is the end all or be all.

There is no wisdom in thinking there are short cuts however, even if it is all about the process.

And man, am I in transition. The drenched caterpillar swimming the mysterious liquid in its cocoon.

I don't need to feed the past nor swim in what's unpleasant and painful. But I also can't force the cycle to go fast and furious. I need to sit still in the right now. So I can pay attention to what is real.

Will Smith said (omg, I can't believe I am quoting Will Smith) that we should also be patient to see the rebirth. (birth, life, death, rebirth). There is always a rebirth ... redemption.
Cheesy, I know...but I can only focus on the fact that this is the way to be that magnificent butterfly. (eep.)

Because life is not linear.

It is some kind of circle. The beginning will meet the end and it will make sense.

And I have to honor the process.

See the wisdom behind living each stage -- embrace and exhaust the emotions --- instead of escaping and numbing what hurts.

It is the only way to authentically learn.

Plus, I can't go through this again.

Or I can't ever be afraid of going through this again.

The wisdom does not only have to count this time.....it has to stick.

grateful slice: processes and the grand design.

Homecoming

Thank you for bringing them home.
Safe and unharmed.


grateful slice: a hopeful world

just some things I want to say

I want to write about my ex-boyfriends at some point in this blog. And affirm their existence in my life. But not today.

Also,
if I met my future husband today, I would want him to know that I weep when I am stressed out but I will snap out of it and accomplish whatever it is I set out to do anyway. He just has to tell met that everything will be alright. And maybe help me with a colorful mind map.

I would want him to know that I believe in God and that I love life.

I would want him to know that I am bigger than my insecurities, being a cancer survivor, the many papers I have to check (all the time) and my infamous jealous gene.

I would also tell him that I am a teacher by heart but a writer by essence.

I would want him to know that I like to nurture and grow my relationships and that I like to cook breakfast.

There's plenty more ... some involving how important my cat is to me...but I will save it for later.

Lastly, I was talking to my friend, Je, today and I just want to say how grateful I am for her. How the consistency of the metaphors she used awhile ago and her on-the-money affirmations = all evidence of the universe and higher beings listening.
and yes, responding.
She also introduced me to yoga.
And if you didn't know already, Yoga has changed my life forever.


grateful slices: Je and this blog.

let's get physical

I ran a 10k marathon last Sunday. For the whale sharks.  We finished it in an hour and thirty-two minutes.  Not bad, I think.  (Although my shins hurt today).
I have never run a marathon before. Ever. Much less a 10k one.
I don't even run. Yet there we were at 6am, running on the many streets I pass everyday, running and walking on the Buendia flyover overlooking the city.
It was exhilarating to see so many people of all shapes and sizes and ages and heights running whichever way, in whatever manner.
To be up that early, to try something new, to succeed beyond our expectations, to do it with some of the coolest people.
It was wonderful.

We are running again this Sunday. For women this time.
My expectations are the same.
Enjoy the ride and no pressure.
I don't need to stress...I am not really a runner.

I am just so ecstatic that I am fit and healthy and strong.
That I have a body that can trek to Pinatubo, swim with ten whale sharks, climb hot chunks of dried lava, run a 10 k marathon with absolutely no training and that I have a heart that survived Cebu.

I was thinking about this as I did yoga today too.
How far I have come in my practice.
I have many more things to learn but just where I am...its a good place to be.
My hips are opening, my legs becoming more straight, my jumps becoming more light, my mind more calm and my heart more at peace.... and my breath....my precious breath that grounds, connects and brings me to presence. It's a great place to be.

grateful slice: my body and my progress

Tears in the sun (and in class)

So, I cried buckets in class today after one of my students showed her "What is my passion?" video. I was so moved by her wanting to be a teacher -- because so many of her own teachers had touched her life. She so eloquently put together a tribute to her education and her dreams. Twenty seconds into the video, my face began to twitch and contort and I knew I was in for. Tears from the deepest part of me began to rise and then just when I thought I had it under control, they gushed out of them ducts like I was in Marsellus' funeral.

I stood up, grabbed some tissue in my bag and started to really weep quietly in the corner.
At this point, it was too late. The class was on to me.
One of them asked if I needed a hug and I just nodded my head like a kid. I leaned into her arms and cried some more.

I was crying for so many reasons.

Her beautiful video.
An angel's safe homecoming
and
finally really feeling the enormity of what I had just lost.
The gaping hole was so vast and overwhelming, I couldn't breathe.
He is gone.
It is over.
I pictured him dancing on his own. In the beach, in my house, in the bar.
And I wondered if I truly, lovingly danced with and by him.

I'd like to think so.
That I loved him well.
So well that I let him be who he was without question.
That any time I pictured him otherwise, it was just a picture of the highest and most enlightened version of himself. Pictured it because I wanted him to be the best he could be, around me. Because this is what we wish for the people we love. That they are happy and whole. And that we were part of the happiness somehow. Because that is what makes us happy and whole -- to love another so unconditionally --- to help another grow, to be a source of inspiration, to help the beloved find joy even when everything seems so hopeless for them.

And right now, if the only way to do that is to let him go,
then game.
I will let it be.
White flag na.
Surrender.
Setting him free, will ultimately set me free.

So today I cried in class to finally embrace my pain.
Sure, a week delayed.
I realize I did this unearthing in the safest place I know.
My classroom... surrounded by the best kids in the world.


grateful slice: tears and teaching

My own Mt. Everest

Someone from the Pinay Mt. Everest team came to school to give a talk the other day. She was so inspiring, moving and motivating as she talked about the different challenges they faced in their preparation to climb the most humbling mountain in the world. She wore her uber thick North Face snow suit (in the heat) as she told her story and showed us pictures from the base camp to their final traverse. It was amazing to listen to her talk about it and to look at the photographs of three strong Filipino women. They believed they could do it and that's exactly what they did. She then proceeded to use their climb and their achievement on the mountain as a metaphor for the kids. How we/they all face our/their different Everests; that they take many and different forms. And how we/they can come out of it successful; if they believed in themselves and never doubt for a minute that they could do it, nothing should stop them/us.

I thought about my own Mt. Everest. Feels like I have been climbing the same north face for years now and not reaching the summit. And from the frost bite, to the windburn, to the fatigue and the cold...the load I am carrying on my mind and on my back to my heart's dehydration....my resolve should be shaken, pummeled, reduced to smithereens. I should think I don't stand a chance making it to the top. That I also have no more energy or love left to make it down back to base camp where it is safe and a little warmer.

But it is not.

Because even if the traverse down the other side of the mountain is scary, long, hard and cold, I absolutely believe in my heart and my soul that I am not alone.

Someone is holding my hand, has offered to take my huge pack off my back, has given me a hot meal and an extra blanket. He is rooting for me. He believes I can reach the summit and that I will be able to traverse to the south side of the mountain. He does not doubt that I can and will transform.

So, I hold his hand back. Take his offer of carrying my burden for me. I eat the food he lovingly prepares and sleep in his blanket. Soundly. My resolve in intact, more than ever before.

I am rooting for me too.
I know we both won't let me down anymore.

And when I reach the summit, you will know.
When I conquer my Mt. Everest, my life will show it.
There will be a light so hot and bright, it will melt the snow.



grateful slice: faith and inspiration

sadness

I am grateful for sadness today.
Because it is real and painful and profound.

It also ends.

I celebrate my sadness right now. And the fact that I am allowing myself to feel it.
There is a lot of noise in my head, as usual, but I am not listening to it at all.
My heart has my undivided attention.

Because it wants me to help it pick up the pieces.



grateful slice: hope after a broken heart.

the truth hurts

Honesty.

I am grateful for honesty today.
and trying our best.
That too.

But not everything turns out the way we want them to.

So thank god, for honesty.
Next time will be better.

grateful slice: strength of character

the great whale shark adventure et al

In a few hours I will be in Donsol! Swimming with the whale sharks.
I can't wait.
I haven't packed, of course.
And it will be very interesting to fit everything in 7kg. (no check in).
But it doesnt matter.

I am so so so excited to get out of the city.
To spend time with some of the best kids in the world.
To make eye contact with one of the biggest yet gentlest animals on the planet.
And be closer to the day I see K again.
That's cool too.

I am truly lucky.
Becoming divemaster never made so much sense.
Thank you, dave.


grateful slice: out of town trips on weekdays with the kids. :)