before I forget

I have to write about the following things: (need to list them here, so I commit to cyberspace and yeah, so I don't forget)

1. my graduation (and the whole bittersweet day)
2. strange lesbians
3. an MA in Creative Writing in Rutgers
4. transformation
5. snapping at my brother (eep)
6. playing guitar and singing in front of a big crown (MS parents in the auditorium. double eep)


grateful slice: reminders

thinking

I am thinking of starting another blog.
A blog just for writing fiction (well, or creative non-fiction).
You know, put my money where my mouth is (read: remind me to ban all cliches from that blog).
I have been calling myself a writer for years and really, what do I have to show for it?

I can put down my story ideas, character sketches, plot lines, synopses of book pitches.
Share all the unfinished stuff swirling in my head and in my journals.
The ideas I read to him/them.
The ideas that the architect said were the best he had heard.
And that was over ten years ago.

I think it's about time.
And ain't I the YES woman?
yes.


What do you think?
What would be a good blog title?


grateful slice: work breaks and great ideas

q & a with unkel

He said I was the proactive one. That it didn't matter who called it in the end.
He also said (after indulging me with my 'what if?" question) that yeah, it would have worked if that were the case because that would have been a completely different picture.
And
he also said that the truth is, there was a knucklehead factor going on there too and that I should just forgive myself for reacting the way I did that night he promised to help me with my paper, but opted to get drunk and get into an accident at 6am instead.

Things I think about while exhausted, bloated and sleep deprived.
I can't wait for MAy 3.
Please, konti na lang.


grateful slice: reassurance

sister

Looking forward to seeing this woman in May.
Can't wait, sis.
It's been three years.

My how you've grown....


grateful slice: reunions.

endings

I see the light at the end of the tunnel.
The rainbow after the downpour and the pot of gold at the edge.
The moment of clarity in my drunken stupor.
The 12th step in the program.

I already missed the effing deadline.
I have just a few more to go.
And then I will be free.
I will finish all this work tonight.
I promise.

Then, I graduate from my MA this Saturday. Master in Comparative Literature. I am convinced, my re-education.
On Wednesday, the grade 8 kids move on to high school. More goodbyes. Will grin and bear it.
Summer will officially begin and I will jump on a plane to Boracay to rest and read and write and run and do yoga every single day, for ten whole days.
First thing is first, my short story and then the funeral of all funerals.
I have one guest, who will probably weep with me.
Another goodbye.

I can hardly keep my eyes open right now, though.
My body is rebelling from not doing yoga and from eating bad food.
I am sleep deprived and my back is killing me.
Part of the job.
I signed up for this.

My heart is intact, though.
So this is a good thing.

Like I said, light. There is light at the end this dark tunnel.
And man, this pink light is so bright, it is taking my fatigue away.

grateful slice: hope and things reaching their inevitable end

happy thought

I wanted to show him this picture.
But didn't get to.
Instead I show it to you during my work break.
It was beautiful and haunting and eerie being there.
It was like a movie set on Mars but like more dangerous because the freaking dried lava was hot and loose.
Hhhmmm....

The Mayon gods were kind to us all the time we were there.
We got to see the volcano's tip every time we looked at it.
It was humbling and amazing at the same time.


grateful slice: this picture and no regrets

rain

the rain reminds me of him.

the sun is mine though.
especially when its intense warmth hits my skin after being in my apartment for hours.
its like focusing on your breath; its a great way to know you are alive.

Uncle said I was missing a ghost.
someone who does not exist today.

i know he's right.
thank god for the sun.




grateful slice: i'm not sure

leggo, my ego

she is sorry.

Sleep deprivation. Procrastination. Overanalysis. Starvation.
Flogging. Blaming. Wasting time. Over eating.
her delaying tactics are getting old.
The pile up has caught up with her.

Then there are the ancient demons forever sealed in Pandora's box.
The naked shoots take the cake.
There is no shame and yet you feel it when you are tired.
Bring dark things to the light, so that they too turn into light.
That's what she is doing now.
dark things might not have crawled from the woodwork if she was in better shape.
At least She is aware.
Thank God for Her.

she is really sorry.
Please forgive her before she falls apart.
her fatigue is making her see damned spots.
she can hardly keep her eyes open.

She focuses on her breath and let's it go.
Today has been bloody.
They both can't wait until it is over.



grateful slice: deadlines and dementia

... and recovery

I know I should not have looked at old pictures, though.
That was a dangerous activity.
And today, the memories have crept into my consciousness like a metastasized brain tumor.

I need to just ride it now.
Surrender it because it is done.
Even chemo is extremely painful.
As the procedure gets rid of good and bad cells.

And I need to be careful next time.
I am authentic, not guarded but I also can't be arrogant or complacent.
As okay as I feel, I refuse to be the addict who thinks she is fully recovered only to slip when she stops being aware.
I will claim that I am handling this well, but I won't let it get to my head.
My heart is still vulnerable. That's the truth.
Recovery is not linear and it takes time.


grateful slice: awareness 2

Exhausted

I am tired, so I can feel myself getting emotional today.
I have papers to check, grades to compute and plans to encode.
I also lack sleep.
Shedding old skin is tough business.
The missing continues.
He is on mind and has been visiting my dreams.
I won't overanalyze it. It just is.
It's part of the process and I need to stay honest.

I need to keep my eye on the prize.

This weekend, I march and mark the end of an era.
Next next week, I will be in sunny Boracay.
Ten days later, I will be in the States.

A lot to look forward to.


But today, I work until I die.
Work is aplenty and I am exhausted.
I need to remain aware.

grateful slice: awareness

pictures

Old pictures are hard to look at. I am grateful for them but they are difficult to view right now.
I am probably not ready to sift through them just yet.
So I won't.

Am thinking of what to do with them in the meantime.
There will come a day, I'm sure, I'll be able to look at them and not care.

Right now, any suggestions?


grateful slice: memories captured

Peace

Today, I am just grateful for the peace I feel.
I can't explain it.
I won't even try to.
But I can acknowledge and be grateful for the calm surrender.
I submit to it completely.
I bask in its light today.

Last week he told me that it was going to a short journey but an intensely painful one. Then he said that I would know, in a truly profound way, what it feels like to be forgiven; to know what it feels like to forgive myself.


Today he said that I was going to be filled.
Filled to brim with the power to finally become who I am meant to be.
Without the struggle.
Without the pushing.

I am listening very closely
and my heart is grateful that I am finally home.



grateful slice: recognizing myself and knowing the HS

J & J

Good friends are hard to come by.
Rough patches are, well, rough.
But we survive.
And today, and a couple of weeks ago, these two people found me again.

And for that, I am truly grateful.
Thanks for being there J&J.
I love you both.




grateful slice: strong relationships that survive divorce

ito ang bijo

Korek daw siya: Isang super cheesy na entry

The lapster, who had no idea what the hell was happening, still knew somehow. Because during a mid-class escape (to breathe), he sang me this song while playing the guitar in the hot hallway in the Middle School. (the mf is done with his grades)
I wanted to cry but didn't have the energy.
I just listened to him sing this beautiful song.
And he had no idea how much he had captured what I had known for awhile.
Here are the lyrics of this obscure Eraserheads song, Tama Ka.

Title: Tama Ka
Artist: Eraserheads
Album: Natin 99

Kay sarap sariwain ng malayang kahapon
Kay hirap isipin, kay layo ng noon

Tama ka nga
Walang saysay kung (itutuloy/ibabalik) pa
Hayaan na natin ang bukas

Ngunit sa gabing ito
Hawakan ang aking kamay
Mulit sundan ang mga unang yapak
Ng ating pagmamahalan

Minsan nagtatanong kung saan
Kailan, Paano na simulan
Ang katapusang mahirap takasan
Pero wag na, ibato mo na lang
Sa ulan.

Hayaan na natin (2x)
Ang bukas

G has spoken.
Swak si Lapster.
Kuhang kuha nila Eli.

Synchronicity.
And my heart is thankfully, catching up to the Truth of the matter.
Ibato na lang natin sa ulan. :)

grateful slice: mga songs na tugma sa mga pangyayari sa buhay buhay. Choz

almost unpredictable

I felt really good this morning. While driving to school early in the morning, it just silently and surprisingly hit me, just how good I felt.
But it wasn't your normal feel-good feeling.
It was beyond explanation-out of this world-at the core peaceful/grateful-no trace of the gaping hole-Godly-I'm on top of the world-new and improved-metamorphosis kind of pure feel good.
I am not exaggerating.

It carried on no matter how horridly hectic my day was today. From the jam packed rehearsal morning, back to back classes, back to back meetings then the phenomenal Night of the Notables, I was unfazed.

Then tonight, while I was in the shower thinking of what Adam might do in the show after the commercial, I allowed myself to feel angry.
It just entered my brain that it was not my fault he acted the way he did. that he chose to show a side that was repressed and silent and almost afraid. the face he shows his mother.
It made me angry that he chose to show me his game face.
the face that nodded and complied and opted for multiple choice and not authenticity. the one that avoided confrontation.
It made me angry because he is so much bigger than his sadness or this coping out.
It made me angry because I was so not supposed to be part of the posse' that deserved that effing face.
I deserved the true him all the time. The one who trusted me to love, no matter who he was, no matter where he was. the one who didn't shut people out.
I thought of the maleta of "joy" and began to get confused who was who in the end.
the true him seems to always just want to escape.

then I let it go.
Because it's not worth it.

And really, that game face, whichever it is, is not about me.
It's about him.
Not choosing life.

So in the end, I channeled the inexplicable bliss and said a prayer for this man; a man, I love dearly.
The one I cannot recognize right now.
I said a prayer and let the anger go.
I still believe, in my heart, that he is so much bigger than the abyss he is swimming in and one day, he will come out of it, triumphant.

the way many of us did.
the way I did.

grateful slice: inexplicable happiness, predictable anger and hope

4th year

OMG.
Had a crazy, jam packed day.
But damn, it was well worth it.

Once again, the notables blew my mind.
All the kids did such a great job.
I am so totally proud of them.


grateful slice: a beautiful project called Night of the Notables and the amazing Beacon kids. (6TL, 2009)

expecting the best

Yoga is really amazing.
I had a gazillion things to do but chose to stop at 7 to do yoga and man, that was the most enlightened decision ever.
It was such an intense mysore class. Loved it.

Then there's nothing like choosing to expect the best from people (even if others have told you to expect the worst).
It felt good to be right.
even if in a little while, I know it ultimately won't matter.
It still feels good to just think the best of someone, and get just that.
Sincere or not, fishing or not, i don't care. I thought it was nice of her to just ask and not say anything bad.
and thank god for good friends who have the love and inclination to just make you look good no matter what. : )

The lapster was right.
It saves you the agony and stress from getting agitated or angry over something that you chose to be riled up about.
It was such a relief.
And I'm glad I asked.
Now, I can just let it go.

Phew.

grateful slice: being right about people

Easter entry

It is finished.
It has been paid for.


Words that saved my life today.
Sigh.
What a lucky bunch we are.




grateful slice: the big G and his son

omfg

shit.
this too shall pass.

potah.

grateful slice: cursing

she said

...the sooner you face the shit, the sooner the greater thing out there for you will come. So face as much shit as you can right away. Just don't forget the lessons.

Bow.


You are still on your way there. (don't lose sight of that).
It's just a matter of time.
I believe her and G. I've already chosen happiness.



grateful slice: a good butt kick

sistah

.














Today, I am grateful for my sister.
And full disclosure with perfect timing, her gentleness, my unadulterated tears and her affirmation that I am next.

I love you and am grateful for you today,sistah.



"You do not have the monopoly of pain."
- Raymond Bagatsing (na gay talking to Maricel Soriano)



grateful slice: sisterhood

So this is how it feels...

Okay, I have had an army of people to help me through this.
But
I figured it out.
I did it.
I worked it out in my own head.
Arrived at it.

This is why I didn't want to talk to you and you and you and you and you.
I needed to get there on my own.
In my own new way.
To change the script.
To reach me.

And I did.
I really really did.
On my own.

Now I can talk to you and you and you and you.
Because I won't be afraid of what you might say.
I can really just focus on how much you love me.


grateful slice: trusting your own voice and skills.

YES

After all that has been said and done, I am saying YES to life.
I didn't realize how much couch sitting and mulling I had been doing for so long.
I suppose, no judgment. Those were things we had decided to do.
And I had to write and write and write.
And finish a paper and earn a degree I thought defined me.

Today though, after running, it occurred to me that I have been saying, "wait a minute." Or "not right now." Or "when he arrives." Or "I can't do it." Or "I don't want to." Or an outright, "nope." Or sometimes, if it were a Yes, it meant "yes to like the uber pleasurable but empty things like bleep-bleep and bleep." you know what I mean.

Well, my script is changing.
It is Yes from now on.
yes yes yes yes yes.

Yes to everything that is life giving and loving and infinite and wonderful and purposeful.
So yes.
I am in.
Present. Completely engaged. Humbled. Awed.

I am saying yes to me.
the goldmedalist me.
the prodigal daughter has returned.


grateful slice: choosing yes.

raising the sword

She took it back and said, "He was finally authentic and told the truth. He did it with integrity. I take it back when I said he might not have had the guts to do it. That took guts, P."

Part of the pain lifted after that. I knew I was right about him.
There was no betrayal, no abandonment, nor absence of love.
It was just the truth.
And he raised the sword to slice and finally acknowledge the divide, the chasm that had grown between us, because we both could not ignore it any longer.

I was not wrong to love him.
And just like those magic eye pictures we stare at for hours to see passed the funky print....the 3-dimensional image finally popped out.
Passed the drama and the suffering, I finally recognized the love and the wisdom behind what took place.
There was no cruelty.
Just an ending I was not ready for.
And a man, who called the truth and did not buckle or sway. Just stood his ground because he was aware.


And my heart shed ten pounds of pain yesterday.
Because he is golden.
And I can see.
That I am golden too.


grateful slice: truth told with integrity

my yoga classmate

Her compliments made me smile.

grateful slice: compliments from the left field

breakthrough day

What a brilliant day filled with discoveries and acceptance.
First, I discovered the freaking pedestrian overpass (through S) that runs through De la Rosa. It sounds really lame but it brought me so much joy to be able to walk from S's mom's apartment to my place. It was really a pleasant discovery. It reminded me that I didn't not like Makati or the city or the Philippines. That was someone else's dislike, not mine.

Then, I had a really great session with Dr. R.
She was patient and kind as she let me overanalyze, vacillate and replay and repeat and go round and round. She answered my questions with a combined firmness and gentleness that allowed my heart to just open up.
I have been replaying the dreaded scene in my head for days. And as much as I knew how pointless it was, I still kept on doing it for some reason. The whip was out, the overanalytical mind was on overdrive and I was flogging myself with a vengeance. It was painful and necessary and absolutely exhausting.
Finally, after I gave her the blow by blow, the actual dialogue, what went down, the he said/she said, the sharing that felt like a confession, it hit me (and well, her), that I was doing that because I just was not ready.
No matter how right the decision was, how true it was, how inevitable it was, my heart was just not ready.
To lose a beloved.
To mourn the death of what meant so much to me for so long.
To lose my bestfriend, husband, lover, gift, patient, companion, partner, and boytoy rolled into one.
The rug was pulled right under me (and thinking it was my own doing), and I JUST WAS NOT READY.
So, I replayed and replayed the scene in mind, to see, how I could have avoided it.
How I could have not placed myself right here.
How I pushed the universe to give me what I want, what was good for me, what was truly in my heart.
Because I just was not ready.

the minute that bomb hit me, the struggle, the agony, the questions, the need to be affirmed that I loved him true and well, disappeared.
It just evaporated.
I just needed to embrace that fact that no matter how real the divide was, I was not ready to face the truth.
And by knowing that I didn't want to know the truth, the truth set me free.

I did love him full and well. (still do.)
I did do my best.
I did not give up.
We were right for each other for a time.
And now that it is different,
I must move with the cheese.

But I needed to know that I wasn't ready, so that I could be ready.

I can hear S telling me, "you are so complicated, P."
And I'll reply, "I know. And it's all good."

Tomorrow, we run. I pray that our legs and our lungs will be strong, just like our resolve and our faith.
As for today, it is already different. So so different from yesterday's struggle to make sense of it all.
I really do feel like I walked through some new door.
And it feels excellent.


grateful slice: breakthroughs and owning them.

21 days na

21 days yesterday.
feels the same.
game na,G.
sayo na talaga to'.
take it. take it.


grateful slice: honesty and leaning on G.

patience is a virtue

Today, I am grateful for friends.
Patient friends who listen and affirm and love.
Thank you.

I am also grateful for pine trees, fresh air, fog, beautiful scenery, majestic Godly creations, and priceless times.
It is the best for a broken heart. Great for managing old scripts -- so they finally evaporate.
So my heart can really, finally heal.

Am back from outer space.
I am okay.
It's just the stages.
Going through them, I mean.
This is normal.
One day at a time.
Today, am closer to being healed, so it's all good.





grateful slice: friends and baguio

packing shit

need to pack for Baguio.
But I'm so sleepy.

Eep. had dinner with old friends tonight.
And saw and talked to my ultimate crush.
I need to tell you about him sometime.
just not tonight.

He is looking for a running partner.
Hhhmmm...
I didn't realize how good looking he was.
He also plays the guitar and writes music.
OMG.

Looking forward to what the universe has in store for me.
I can't wait.


grateful slice: options and crushes

malapit na

Malapit na magtwenty-one days.
What it takes to break a habit, perhaps, my ticket out of the basement.
Addiction is a tricky thing. but damn, detox is another planeta of pain.
Can't wait for that part to be over.

21 days.
Near na yan.
Malapit na akong maging recovering relationship-holic.
Teehee.

Excited na ako. Tunay na recovery.


grateful slice: taglish entries that talk about breaking baaaad habits.

busy bee

I had forgotten how a busy day can really get you out of your head.
Night of the Notables is like 15 freaking days away and I am reeling from the panic button.
Same time last year, I was in the hospital, nursing my kidneys and healing a blood infection.
I think B is on to something.
I am on a higher plane.

No kidney stones.
Just my heart on my sleeve. (living authentically. YES!)
A slip here and there doesn't mean SPLAT or ground zero.
It just means that...slips. Happens to the best of us.
The bigger picture tells me I am on my way.
To greater and greater things.

I am so freaking excited, I can hardly contain myself.

grateful slice: busy working days and clarity