Thank G for Alaska and Jonathan, the Tour Guide

The dreams are back.
And they are bad.
They never really left actually.
But they have become worse and more frequent.
I don't like them.
I wake up angry and snappish.

But
today, whatever crappy feeling I felt was wiped away by Jonathan, the black bear crossing the road, the train ride that I wish never ended and being right where I wanted to be.

grateful slice: recovery

Aha-Alaskan Moment

I totally get it now, why so many people take this cruise.
It's not the overflowing food (which, I am convinced gave me a migraine yesterday - but that's for another entry).
It's not the cheesy evening shows or the swarovski crystals they sell on board.
It's not the service (Go Pinoy!)
It's not even bonding with loved ones.

It was the mind numbing, awe inspiring, humbling view this morning.
M and I rushed out of our beds (pre-yoga) to see land once again.
The snowcapped mountains and the chunks of ice floating on the water, the light peaking through the clouds and the "50 first dates" moment we experienced as we were amidst land and glacier ice.
omg.
I get it now.

grateful slice: the glaciers.

Mother moment

I realized why.
While Tea Leoni (in "GhostTown") was asking Ricky Gervais why she was not good enough (to Greg Kinnear). If he loved her at all.
I finally realized, at that point, why every sound and word and comment and facial gesture annoyed me. To such an incomprehensible level.

It was because I was secretly blaming her ... for everything. (past and recent and annoying and co-dependent and clingy and needy and damsel-like and insecure, the total absence of boundaries and all forms of abandonment - perceived or real)

Once I understood, I felt better.
Like the freaking thorn on my side was finally removed from where it was lodged.
It's an old wound, so it didn't bleed out.

I just totally understood.
The why.

Now I can do something about it.
And be kinder.
Because I totally, effing get it.

grateful slice: ephiphanies about my mother

The L Boat

OMG.
We are literally on the Love Boat.
Which can also stand for the Lola/Lolo boat.

Still feel a little off-balance but M and I were able to do YOGA despite the swaying.
Extra resistance.

The ocean is beautiful.
And the ship is enormous.

Today we get to just hang on deck (read: bundled up so we don't get hypothermia or frostbite) -- read, write, watch people. My favorite part of any vacation, on sea or land.

The food has yet to impress me. I mean, there is so much of it but I haven't really tasted anything mind blowing.

M and I fought hard not to fall asleep last night during their first cheesy show but snuck out while the Program Director reiterated (for the nth time) the many geriatric things to do on board.

Tonight, we will attempt to catch "Grand Torino."
Teehee.
(Enter: Love Boat theme song, right about now).


grateful slice: experiences at sea

the future is sooo bright, i have to wear shades

grateful slice: New York and the future.

American Shmidol

I can't believe Adam did not win.
I am sure there is some kind of pop culture, dark horse-slash-underdog mentality leading to the American voting psyche to explain the results...
But I am stomping my feet and throwing a tantrum right now.
Ugh.


I also think Kara should have just stripped down to her bikins with more conviction. It would have really stumped Uber Tanned-Bikini Girl with New Knockers.
I mean, pinatulan niya na rin naman. Sana kinareer na niya to da max. Choz. Magands naman ang kanyang kats.
And speaking of, eto naman si Queen Latifah. Um, ewan ko lang ha but ang unitard....mej exag.

Sigh.

Go Adam! Ikaw ang tunay na gold medalist.
Bow.

Disappointed! (read: like how Kevin Kline said it in "A Fish Called Wanda."

grateful slice: exciting finales

Trigger me this, trigger me that

M wondered why but affirmed that I hardly, if at all, mentioned him. She was glad. And I was pleased that this was the case. I didn't even notice who or what I was not mentioning.
After she said that though, different triggers crawled out from the woodwork.
I was hyperaware and I wondered if Pandora's box had been opened. The lid need not be ripped from the hinges. If it was indeed Pandora's box, a crack would have sufficed for the whip, the menace and the pain to spread all around me.

From the guy reading Sherlock Holmes on the train, to all the tattoo shops in the city, to the Ethipioan food we ate, the thought of Kalye West (and showing the clip to my sister years from now), it was hard to allow myself to remember anything at all triggered by these seemingly meaningless things. But I just breathed and kept quiet. Just because he entered my psyche did not mean I needed to talk about it.

The thing is, M is right. I don't wish he were here. I don't need to "be" with him to validate everything amazing that I am experiencing. I don't need to share it with him for it to count. I no longer identify who I am based on that love relationship.
And really, it was great that she affirmed all that. It meant a lot. That is what is left in my psyche. That awareness. Passing that test.

I am relieved to see that there is nothing left in Pandora's box which means, it ceases to be Pandora's box. Trigger me this, trigger me that, it's just an empty chest. This is a result, I suppose, of actually swimming in all the grime early on, head on.

Perhaps, the worst is over.


grateful slice: the worst being over.

surreal

It's been a surreal weekend; A productive and fulfilling one but surreal nonetheless.

Between the jetlag and my sister's jampacked Sunday in overstimulating NYC, I am no longer sure where reality begins and ends.

It feels like I've been propelled into a parallel universe without my knowing; part of a Christian edition of a Gaiman novel or comic where everyone prays all the time while dreaming.

I guess all I can do is soak it in and observe without any kind of culture shock judgement.

And that's what I'm doing. Watching people, meeting them and just being grateful I am here at all.

But when she asked me after service if I wanted prayers, I sleepily and honestly said ,"No, I need to sleep now. Maybe next Sunday."
Then continued to introduce myself as Jetlag to the many other Antiochlike people I met.


Was it the HIV positive guy in the Subway begging for money and food for him and his dog, Gizmo, or was it a giant SpongeBob facing a random wall on 47th street, or was it being in Antioch again that was most surreal?
I am not sure.

But don't get me wrong.

I realize that I just need to take a step back to absorb all these things.

It will all somehow make sense at some point.

I hope it happens in this trip post jetlag and things sinking in.

I feel very proud and blessed to be able to be part of my sister's life here.

....

Lunch was pretty cool.

After accompanying M to the youth service (yes, where I ran with one flip flop during their ice-breaker relay. eep. I told you it is like Antioch) we decided to walk many, many blocks to Cafe Lalo. It was a wonderful walk. We saw a Salcedo Weekend Marketlike, well, market (only bigger and colder), where they sold gyros and pashminas and sausages and smoothies. It was pretty awesome.

Then M showed me her favorite part of the upper West side.

When we got to Cafe Lalo (the coffee shop where Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks were meant to meet for the first time in "You've Got Mail"), I was giddy and starving and ready to eat soup, a salad and a sandwich. Yum!




I ordered the Yellowfin Tuna Salad Sandwich and their Soup of the Day and M got eggs with brie and different kinds of mushrooms. It was the perfect late lunch. It was crowded and pretty and I was just so happy to be there surrounded by people and desserts.











We headed back to M's apartment where we got to rest and laugh with Abi (her lovely roommate) before heading out to yes, evening service.

Which brings me back to the beginning of this entry.


So, it's been a surreal day;
the perfect first weekend spent with my sister.
I would not have had it any other way.


grateful slice: perfect Sundays in NYC

Up and about

Was able to sleep well despite the jetlag.
Woke up early though and have been puttering about since 5:45am.
Which is Boracay behavior I realize now.
That was good training to be up and about to not waste opportunities to say YES on all our days here.

For a minute, when I woke up, I was not sure where I was.
Then it hit me.
and all I could think and feel was
happy happy joy joy.


grateful slice: waking up with my sister in Hague St.

Arrivals

Elvis is in the building.
Until June 20.

I wasn't sure if she was going to get to pick us up so I managed my expectations. I just knew I was going to see her. Finally. It really didn't matter when.
Then, right when my mom and I were lugging our "maletas" to door 2 to wait for our Tito Oni to come get us, I spotted her.
I could've sworn we shrieked and then ran to each other -- in a kind of dramatic way.
But I didn't give a shit.
My sister and I embraced in the middle of the Newark airport and cried.
Wait, no, we wept.
For a good ten minutes.
It didn't matter that we were sniveling and leaving our belongings unattended. I was just so glad we were together again.
It's so so so good to see and be with her.

Damn.
I am so happy to be here.

On to saying YES ...

grateful slice: arriving and staying for awhile

Leaving on a Jet Plane

I wondered how I would spend my summer since I had finished my MA thesis and earned my degree.
I was worried for awhile.
Idle hands are the devil's playground, after all.
But here I am, packing for another trip.
And all I can think of is, lucky shmuck.

Boracay was spectacular and even before the sugar crash, I am off again to another adventure.
I really feel like I am channeling Danny Wallace. But with pre-booked flights and pretty crappy packing strategies.
I am very very very very grateful.
Who knew?
Who knew this was what was beyond procrastination?
I should have said YES sooner.
Well, shoulda woulda coulda.

So, as I was just a beach queen.
I am soon to be Alaskan empress.

Lucky shmuck.


grateful slice: my generous parents and well-laid plans.

leaving

G is definitely telling me something. :)
C says its to commit. She noticed too -- from all the little signs to finally, the woman's umbrella yesterday and then to Dali's painting....it's a no brainer. And I am paying close attention.

Hhmm....
hate to leave the island but am ready for my next adventure.
good bye bikinis, hello thermals. eep.


grateful slice: knowing I can always come back to Boracay

F is for find and G is for Green

C and I bought these really cute rings from NBW.
She bought the blue one and I got the bright yellow one.

Here's the green one for my sistah in singa!
I thought they had run out but when we passed by, there it was..amidst many white ones too.
It's so pretty.

This green one is for you, I!

And here is a pic of our place .... opposite side. See the hut features and yet cement aesthetics. Choz.





grateful slice: finding the unexpected

walk this way ... more happy feet and grateful slices

grateful slices: Hhmm... did someone mention happy feet? C and I did a double take when we saw them penis slippers



the pretty paraws during sunset



the moon tonight

Doran's gigantic burger.
This made him very happy and well, full.


wind for the kiteboarders. They were amazing to watch.


the best tuna melt in the world (from Real Coffee)

the ability to change history as we visit familiar places



being near the sea


impeccable sand


Mandala Spa's hard and gentle landscape

alone time with a great view and a good book

new friends who love YOGA and are so willing to share their practice with me, the beginner.

new places and taking our time to get there


the perfect pre-happy hour snack: Vegetable sticks with hummus and a really yummy olive dip.

the wonderful women I hung out with


grateful slice: finding what's sublime in the everyday

more Boracay gushing

There's plenty to be grateful for.
Utthita Hasta Padangusthasana during sunset
The view from my sun bed during happy hour

Gorgeous shakes from Lemon Cafe


Me, alone time

My roommates who have shared so much more than their room.

grateful slice: the perfect vacation

old friends, new friends, sunrise and sunsets, oh my.

Boracay has been really transformative this time around.
I felt elated most of the time. And strong.
We ran, we biked, we kayaked and hiked.
We woke up at the crack of dawn almost everyday and did yoga to celebrate.
Happy hour was truly happy and man, G was/is everywhere.

Here are some of the things I am truly grateful for this very moment.

Old friends
Spending time with Dors and Pao was healing.
Our combined histories are priceless and what connects us timeless.


New friends
Meeting these amazing women was inspiring.


Sunrise from our place.
Watching the sun was humbling.

Sunset: Yes, we got to witness this every single day.

Calamansi muffins from Real Coffee
Watching them bake these was calming.


grateful slice: Boracay

happy feet

Discovered many more sides to Boracay during this trip.
How awesome is that?

grateful slice: discovery